today as i was sitting my daily zazen i suddenly realized something. I dont practice Zen anymore.
i dont hang around treeleaf as much as i used to. when i do, i dont really read that much of the posts (they are too many and there is too little time). i dont study text, dont contemplate the precepts or the eightfold path, hell i dont even remember all of them from the top of my head. i dont do metta. i dont study sutras, i dont find the time to join the weekly zazenkai. i havent touched my kesa sawing for over a year and i am just at the beginning of it.
i barely practice anything but sitting zazen. and that too has lost all its charm and it is nothing special! i dont know why i sit anymore. i just sit because its part of me. im used to it so i keep doing it. when i dont sit i feel wrong but sitting or no sitting changes nothing. i live my life just like any other person. zen or no zen. i just live my life moment to moment. nothing special and nothing magical about it. i have become a dad 12 days ago. i am sleepless, took some time of work. i change dippers i take care of my son. but i just do it. i accept my life the way they are. there are many things i dont like, even get annoyed by. but its nothing special, just life. i accept it. im fine with it.
i realize that i will get angry, will get in to fights with people close to me. hurt them and get hurt by them. have problems, have good days and bad days. when i sit, i sit. when i dont sit i go and do what needs to be done, what i want to do, what i dont want to do. i try to avoid things i dont like and do things i like.
im just an ordinary human being. nothing more nothing less. zen has nothing to do with. i break precepts sometimes, i fall off the horse so to speak. i get back up and keep on going. i try to be a good man, living life as best i can.

after 10 years of practice i finally realized zen is not a practice, it is just life. it is in everything i do and it is nothing at all.
i guess i realized that practice is no different from life. when i finish sitting zazen i get up from the cushion and go on.

i am reminded of an old koan i once read and liked and finally feel that i truly understand it.

Ching-yuan Wei-hsin, a Chinese Ch'an master, once said this:
Thirty years ago, when having not studied Ch'an,
this monk saw mountain was mountains and water was water.

Later, when following the good teacher's guide, this monk could enter the gate of Ch'an,
and saw mountain was not mountain and water was not water.

Now, in the realm of joy and peace and tranquility where everything as-it-is,
this monk sees mountain is just mountain and water is just water.
Jundo, i must say that i always liked the phrase
but i finally get it on a different level. and i think there is no more fitting motto for treeleaf, i can see why you chose it. thank you.

Gashho, Dojin (finally feeling like i dont need to understand this practice).