By the way, contemplation contests are not part pf our practice.
I am also sorry to read your words:
The mirror principle at its best. My breath is calm and what you describe applies to your mind state. Please , have a look!You are fearful you are losing control here, control is the issue here and very ego driven! But no worries, one of your little clinger zenners will show up soon and try to bail you out. If you are a teacher, then teach me, with out so much whining and acting like a teenager. Go ahead and kick me off this site, be a man, otherwise I will get back to you in a A couple of days
Be well and take care