Originally Posted by
Tiwala
Hi, I still don't get it, but I've managed to think about what I think my problem is.
Due to various causes and conditions, not limited to ADD, I've found myself pushing, pushing, pushing, never giving up, always facing life head on. True, i get wounded, but i force myself to embrace this as well, even if i squirm. This is true for almost everything I do. Everything I do involves a great deal of effort, and to drop all that, I think, is immensely scary. It's like being thrown into a dark well, not knowing if there's some water to catch my fall.
I feel like, and firmly believe, I should always be doing my best because people depend on me, and I'm afraid of even letting my guard down a little bit. I can't just sit around and do nothing. That is, to me, equivalent to being useless, irrelevant and a leech off of society. I feel like I should always be doing something more, achieving more, pushing more. I am never ever satisfied, and I actively try to never be satisfied. The world is on fire, after all... gotta save as many people as possible.
But, here's the catch. I find immense happiness from sacrificing myself like this. I don't really care if I get hurt, or a, thrown into hell, or forced to do the most horrifyingly boring task ever, going through great lengths to do things, as long as I know that the pain has meaning. And I find meaning in the service of others (ideally speaking, of course its not always the case. I am no saint)
I don't know how to reconcile my restlesssness to do things with radical non-seeking. To me, restlessness, the flood of thoughts, the rush, the dukkha, samsara itself...all of it is both pain and happiness. It can't be any other. I.e., I just can't let go of seeking more because it is precisely all that drives the good and peace in me. It sounds so much like what everyone here talks about (nirvana is samsara, nirvana is samsara) but the flavour, the intensity and gravity I feel doesn't seem to correspond and I'm perplexed.
I know some people find great peace, compassion and joy in this practice, but I'm really starting to doubt whether this is really something I can do. I've had this doubt for awhile, but of course, its really too early to decide. Moreover, I have a feeling that what I think is true and what people here think is true... its really just the same thing in different pacakges. In fact, the truth is precisely in my doing. That's why I'm still here, struggling.
But please, how does all this fit into the mystery of shikantaza?
Should I just let go of letting go?
Gassho, Ben