Today, any other day, really

Today was the one of the most bizarre days I have had in awhile, I mean, I was angry. I was prodding and snapping at everyone for no apparent reaso;, nothing seemed to be going right even though nothing really happened. It is hot outside, the dog was barking incessantly, my sister's music was blaring, chores, requests, blah blah blahhhhh. I was fuming! Not a characteristic I normally see in myself. I felt like I was going nowhere just sitting idly in my home, there was no one to speak to and that I was just failing at everything.

Then the rain came. It's been a bit of a drought in my area for sometime. No rain for about 3 or 4 weeks. When it does rain, and if I have the opportunity, I will sit with it for awhile. No timer, just me and the rain as long as I want. I began to feel frustrated for being such a raging jerk today. Feeling guilty about this and that, how I'm "not supposed to be like this". Then I sat and just sort of let it wash over me. A few verses:

There is no rain in zazen
Nothing to smother that fire
Nothing to stop the heat

The kesa wraps itself around
Anger, Frustration, Peace
Equally

I do not own the rain
I cannot hold the kesa
The rain owns me
I am clothed whether I like it or not

I suppose the whole point of this was that it was the first time that I have felt that it is actually Ok. Sure, we should try to be nice people, but sometimes the days are frustrating for no reason. No need to take it out on anyone, no need to blame, no need to push anything away. If trapped in a hot hot hell, just sit in it. Dragging others into it, or trying to claw our way out only leaves us feeling more alone and scorched.

My zazen teaches me, whether I know it or not.

A semi-melodramatic gassho,
Taylor

Hello all,

Taylor -

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My zazen teaches me, whether I know it or not.

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And so, your zazen teaches us as well! Thank you for sharing your experience and your words. I've had days like these...just like you say, crabby and angry for no apparent reason.

Your verses are lovely and so true ...bows to you!

Kelly-Jinmei

Good stuff Taylor, thank you.
Gassho ~ Dave.

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Originally Posted by Taylor

I suppose the whole point of this was that it was the first time that I have felt that it is actually Ok. Sure, we should try to be nice people, but sometimes the days are frustrating for no reason. No need to take it out on anyone, no need to blame, no need to push anything away. If trapped in a hot hot hell, just sit in it. Dragging others into it, or trying to claw our way out only leaves us feeling more alone and scorched.

My zazen teaches me, whether I know it or not.

A semi-melodramatic gassho,
Taylor

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and It's in every thing good, or bad, something, or nothing that we learn ( or really should be learning granted ones remaining mindful, or not)

but your right on the frustrations. It may always " seem" like there is no reason, but I wager there is something. It's a really basic example, but one day you could be snippy for seemingly no reason, and taking it out on family. But the trigger could have been a momentary " Crap I forgot to call ____" and it's been allowed to snowball... but your dead on, no need to take it out on anyone, none of them needed to make a call for you...but why even be mad at yourself? We are...thats all we need to be to screw up and make a mistake here and there. It's not the first time, nor the last time. and it's just as natural to feel that frustration too.

The question is, what do you do with it?

Say a person is scorned by a lover, do they let it jade them, so that they hold that frustration, guilt etc, and put it upon every single man/woman they meet? Hmmm, well your feeding the negative, and putting it off onto others, to me that just sounds like promoting suffering on both ends
Taking the moment to understand it, or at the very least acknowledge it and just letting it roll off , or get put to the side, and doing what needs done ( or not done) seems a much better option in my book, and the casualties are far fewer!

So you nailed a very prominent point, that is actually quite difficult to master ( if one really can say they mastered anything ) be it becoming jaded and judgmental after a bad experience, or just cranky after not sleeping enough; keeping how to act, or react, how to feel ( not what to feel ) is indeed tougher than it can sounds!

So thank you for taking the time to share, and more over, coming to such an understanding, just keep it up!


* vanishes back under his piles of paper, ink, and half finished pieces of art until summoned again.

Thank you, Taylor!

Gassho,

Adam